Understanding Olivia
by BlueDreamer31
Summary: Olivia was living a normal life, until one earth-shattering day. Her life starts spiralling out of control, as she finds herself stranded in Denver, surrounded by a sea of strangers and with a baby in her arms. Alone and frightened, she doesn't know anyone apart from that one annoying girl that keeps saying she cares for her. But it's hard to believe anyone could mean that at all
1. Pink Carnations

Pink carnations

I was smart, they said. I'd go far, they said. I'd find myself with a good career and a nice husband and a white picket fence, they said, because I was responsible, a good kid, sweet. They never said I'd get pregnant at 16. No one ever thought the good girl at the back of the class could make 'such' a mistake. As if one has to consciously decide to have a baby, has to let their parents sign a permission slip, has to read the pamphlet of 'what to expect when expecting!' beforehand.

I felt so empty.

I didn't know this was coming. I believed my proud parents and my encouraging friends. When they said I'd make it far, I promised I'd get further. Nights and nights of revision, all lost over, what? A drunken promise that nothing could happen the first time?

I hated myself.

When I first found out, I drove out of town, staying god knows where for a few nights with the excuse that I was staying at Juliet's place. My mind was so crowded that I couldn't think, couldn't do anything apart from let myself be led far far away from my parents. I spent a whole weekend in the middle of nowhere, simply stopping my car on the side of the rode and ambling through meadows with grass that tickled my thighs and bitter wind that made my fingers numb. I wish it could've done the same thing to my feelings.

The worst part was that when I went back home, I still wasn't ready. I knew they'd react badly, knew they'd threaten to kick me out or something of the like. And not telling them felt so _easy_. I wasn't showing, not yet, and 6 months seemed oh so far away.

I felt dead.

None of the other mistakes in my life had ever led to such large consequences. A night before an exam binge watching Dan and Phil? The most I got was a C and a slap on the wrist from my parents. Got into a fight with a friend? We lost contact for a few months and then came back to one another. Nothing was ever permanent, I had nothing to compare this to, nothing to help me feel the magnitude of what I'd done.

I was so stupid.

I was smart, they said. But the smart girl wouldn't hide a pregnancy from her parents, from everyone else. She wouldn't have waited until the very last minute, when her mum had to discover it by force. She wouldn't have done something to anger them to that point, made them kick her out and jeopardise not only her life, but her future daughter's.

And now… Now I had a baby, and it didn't matter how smart or dumb I was. All that mattered was that I didn't have a home, and I had a baby to take care of.

After only a week of having her, I'd soon realised that she obliterated everything else. Things rarely mattered nowadays, apart from Ivy needing her diaper changed or Ivy being hungry or Ivy finally giving me a break by going to sleep. It was torture, practically, and the only things I had were the train tickets my parents had given me when they'd kicked me out. Go far, they told me, as if that wasn't already my plan. And for the first time in my life, they meant those words literally, and weren't talking about my grades.

It would've been easier to stay with my friends, have them help me, but I'd relied on them way too long. That had been my initial plan, after Juliet offered to let me stay at her house, but I could see her parents growing tired of Ivy crying during the night, of having to pay for diapers and blankets and a portable crib.

So that night, I packed up, clutching the train tickets in a tight grip. I was going to do this, and I was going to do this right.

Carefully, I picked Ivy up, not wanting her to wake up and give me away so soon. I'd already put everything away, and now only her crib was left. I knew it was awful, taking a present they'd given me so kindly, but this was my last hope, I _needed_ it. With clumsy hands, I undid the clutch, waiting with baited breath as it folded itself with a snap. Luckily, no one heard, everyone already being sleep deprived from Ivy's awful affinity for waking people up.

Despite being so upset with everything happening, I did love her. Of course I did. She had beautiful blue eyes, just like her dad's, and she clutched at my fingers like I was the only thing in her world. And I was.

With a tired sigh, I finished putting everything in my school bag, tying the crib to it. I hadn't gotten round to asking for a stroller, so I carefully tied Ivy to me with a scarf, like I'd seen a lady do it in a youtube video. That was the only thing I had left, really. Normal people had their parents to give them advice, whilst they watched as their kids fumbled with parenthood in an endearing way. And I had the internet. Which was fine by me. At least, that's what I told myself, before breaking into tears each night with pitiful whimpers.

My body ached from lack of sleep, my back stiff from constantly holding Ivy, but there was nothing for me to do apart from walk down the stairs and leave. It wasn't like things would be any better here. Next to my chest, Ivy gurgled, making me smile fondly.

My world was falling apart, but I had her.

 **Hi :)**

 **So, this is my new story! It'll centre around Olivia, her daughter Ivy, and Elaina, who'll be introduced soon :) There isn't much to say in this first author's note haha, but tell me what you think! Thanks!**

 **See you next week :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	2. Poppies

Poppies

My first stop was a cafe, where I was quick to log into the free wifi whilst I prepared Ivy's formula. It was getting close to her midnight feeding time, and I knew she wouldn't stay asleep for long. I knew once I left I'd have to breastfeed her, formula being much too expensive, but I was still so sore, so I let myself indulge in this small pleasure.

For them to let me in, I had to buy something, so I bought their cheapest drink, some tea I didn't like. I stared with despair as I handed over my few remaining coins, knowing I'd be well and truly fucked over if my plan didn't work. My train tickets were for Denver, and I was hoping there'd be a centre there for kids like me. Maybe not me exactly, but someone desperate for money and on the streets and ready to do anything for a roof over their head.

Luckily, it didn't take me long, the first result of the page giving me a clear guide about how to get to a Drop-in Center in Denver. And it was only... 15 minutes by car. It was such a long distance that the walking option wasn't even available on google maps.

Ok. No problem. I could do that. Sure, it was late, and I felt dead on my feet, and I had to carry a baby and a crib and god knows what else, but it was ok. Looking at my baby in my arms, who was now squirming in my lap, anxious for her food, I decided it didn't matter. It was fine.

Feeling tears choking me, I saw the distance the 15 minutes were. 6 miles. That was 2 and a half hours _minimum_ , without considering I had a baby with me. I couldn't let this deter me though. Getting out my phone, I took pictures of all the directions, hoping and praying they'd be enough to get me there.

With trembling lips and the feeling of my stomach plummeting, I closed my laptop shut, taking my last sip of the disgusting tea. Ok, my adventure began here. It was sad, I'd always thought that would be accompanied by cheers and highfives, not tears slowly rolling down my face and a baby's cry wailing in my ear.

Ivy's crying got more impatient, whilst my tears continued free flowing down my cheeks. We must look like a work of art - single mum and her baby sobbing in a starbucks at 1am, nursing disgusting watery tea and hauling a crib haphazardly attached to a school bag. When I thought about it like that, it almost felt funny. A broken sigh left my lips as I placed the bottle on her lips.

I stayed in the cafe for half an hour, as simply rocking her and trying to get my breathing under control, when she started fussing again in my lap.

"Hey Ivy-baby. Did you have a nice nap?" Her eyes weren't good enough at focusing on things just yet, so she stared up at me blankly, gurgling eventually. "Yeah? Glad to hear that! You're such a good girl, and so cute too. Come on, smile for mommy." Of course, she didn't, but after a few minutes of us sitting in silence, her mouth twisted up, an obviously not purposeful smile forming on her lips. With a big grin, I kissed her cheek, feeling that despite all the pain, she made everything worth it. "I love you, angel."

She didn't do anything in response, as was to be expected, but I'd had a hard week. I'd been crying only a few hours prior and every part of my body ached and I was going all the way to Denver practically on my own. So I took the artistic licence to say that she loved me too.

It hurt to so much to think about the long walk that awaited me once I got there, and, not for the first time that night, I wondered if I could spare a few dollars on a taxi. I had a bank account, but I hadn't wanted to touch any of the money in there, in case I needed it in an emergency. This felt close to an emergency, but I felt my stomach clenching at the thought of something worse happening and me not having a way to feed Ivy.

Not being able to help myself, I looked up the price of one, but $7.50 was a bit more than I was willing to spend. Hopefully they'd feed us at the shelter, at this rate I didn't even know if I'd be able to spare a bit of money for that. For Ivy, sure, but for myself? I felt like spending a single penny made me an awful parent. Not until I had a job, I promised myself. But that rose the next question, how the hell would I get a job? Ivy was much too young for nursery.

I was going to throw up, this was all so bad, so awfully bad. Dread swirled through me, weaving itself through every single thought until I felt as though I were going mad. All I could think about was how hard this whole situation was going to be, how I had no idea how to do half the things that would be required of me in the next month. And I was taking care of a living, breathing human, I couldn't afford to fuck up even the slightest of issues.

Knowing I couldn't keep thinking about this without giving myself an aneurysm, I buried my head in my arms, prepared to bawl my eyes out yet again. It was better than thinking - this way I could just pity myself.

~o~

The walk to the shelter was worse than I had anticipated - and I thought I'd been prepared for the worst. Halfway there, I felt like I was close to collapsing, and the sun was coming up, and everything was simply bad.

People were starting to fill the streets, businessmen in pristine suits and school children giving me looks. It was crazy to think I'd be one of them had this all not happened. I'd only been walking for an hour and yet I felt as though I was trekking through mud, not moving a single step forward.

I couldn't… I couldn't do this any more. I hadn't slept in more than twenty four hours, Ivy was starting to cry, I didn't have a home, I had no prospect of working. I felt like I was at a dead end. I'd kept Ivy because I couldn't stomach the thought of putting her up for adoption, but it was time to face the truth - I'd condemned us both.

A sob tried to rip itself out of my throat, but I quietened it down, although I was sure everyone could see I was crying. It wasn't like I was trying to hide my tears. I didn't have a way to, my hands were occupied holding the last remaining fragments of my life.

After a few more steps, I was so emotionally and physically drained that all I could do was collapse on the curb, hoping no cars would get too close. It was odd, because a child was meant to mean the beginning of something new, but instead for me it had meant the death of all I knew. The death of my school career, of my naivety, of… of everything. This time, there was nothing I could do to hold back the sob that forced its way out of me.

People's looks of 'is she...ok?' had turned to full on concern, but I pretended not to see them, not needing any stranger's stupid pity. I was in this situation because I'd put myself in it, and I'd damn well sort it out myself.

And that's when a car pulled up beside me. Fearing it wasn't stopping, I wrapped myself around Ivy, hoping against hope that at least I'd be able to die protecting her. It was stupid how willing I was to die in that moment, for someone to put me out of the pain the next few years would entail.

"Are you ok?" Someone shouted, as they opened the door. I didn't want to answer, I was already getting enough attention from strangers. Couldn't they see that them looking just made me hurt more? "Hey, do you need help?" The girl stopped in front of me, but I was still crouched down over Ivy, so all I could see were her were mint coloured, and clean, and in that moment I wished I could be this girl with the pristine shoes and enough time that she could stop at the side of the road to help strangers.

"I'm fine." My voice was hoarse from not using it for so long, and a desperate need to sleep, but I pretended I didn't notice. Maybe she'd think I was drunk or something and go away.

"You don't look fine."

"Look, I told you-" My words were cut off as I looked sharply up, seeing the prettiest blue eyes I'd ever seen. Goddamnit. She was gorgeous, with a pretty voice and a cute flower crown, and I was sitting on the side of the road with the voice of a chainsmoker and 'broken' written all over me. God damn it. "I'm fine." I felt like screaming, today couldn't get any worse.

"You have a baby?" I stood corrected, today really could get worse. My looking up had revealed little Ivy, who'd fallen asleep during all the commotion. I hoped she'd stay like that for a while, I needed the silence desperately. Not to mention that I felt as though everyone judged me when she started wailing in the middle of the street. I was an awful mom.

"Look, ok, we're fine, we don't need your help." She frowned at me, her eyes clouding with worry.

"She looks so young."

"Did you not hear me?" I was ready to fight this stupid girl who thought a few comments would make my life better, but I still had a baby in my arms, so I kept it to myself.

"She must be, what, a week old?"

"Yeah." I said, almost glumly. It was like I hadn't given her every single hint that I wanted her to leave. "But, listen-"

"Do you have somewhere to go?"

"Of course." I didn't want to admit that that place was the drop-in homeless shelter. She didn't need to know that tiny tad bit of information.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you just looked really beaten down, and- and- oh my god I'm so sorry, I just assumed." My heart softened at her ramble, and I calmed down, despite still being in a bit of a state. I normally wasn't this aggressive, but I'd gone through the hardest week of my life, and everything hurt so much. I couldn't deal with people trying to make it better, I'd already left my friend Juliet's house without so much as a goodbye letter.

"It's fine. I'm going to the drop-in shelter, so it isn't like you were far off." My words still had a hint of anger to them, but I wasn't mentally telling her to fuck off anymore, so I guessed we'd made progress. Hopefully this would be enough to tide the girl over and make her drive off, a smile on her face because she'd done her 'good' deed of the day.

"I'll drive you!" My eyes widened at her words, although I wasn't sure whether because of her reluctance to leave me the hell alone, or her kindness.

"It's fine, it's only an hour's walk from here." Her eyebrows lowered, that stupid concern covering her features once more. She was as easy to read as a book.

"I- uh- don't take this the wrong way but, um, the shelter's really far from here. At least over two hours." Had I walked that slowly? I felt like crying all over again. It was pitiful to do it in front of the beautiful girl who obviously had her life a lot more together than I did, but I couldn't hold them back, as they cascaded down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hands, not wanting her to see, but I knew it must be obvious from the shake of my shoulders. "Oh no, please don't cry, it's ok. I'll take you, my school's really near there." She crouched in front of me, her eyes wide. A convoluted mix of 'fuck off' and 'god please' twisted on my tongue, and in the end I went for what would be best for Ivy.

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Of course not silly, that's why I offered." She opened the co-pilot door for me, a wide smile on her face, and I felt like punching it right off her stupidly happy face. At the same time, I'd never been so grateful to a human being. I hoped she'd be able to see that in my expression - I found words like that hard to get out of mouth.

On the trip to the shelter I found out her name was Elaina, and I told her we were called Olivia and Ivy. It almost felt normal, which was the most dangerous part of the whole ordeal. I couldn't let myself pretend, even for one second, that this wasn't all happening. It very much was, and it had fucked up every part of my life, but I was doing this all for her, and I'd be damned before I let that go wrong.

We got there much sooner than I'd expected, just as a soft piano song started playing on the radio. I found myself almost unwilling to get down. It was just so warm in here, and I hadn't sat down in an hour. I didn't let her see my hesitation however, simply getting out.

"Thank you." I whispered, holding Ivy tight to my chest. Elaina simply nodded, that bright smile still on her face.

With a ragged breath, I took a step towards the shelter, the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wish I could live in the world she did, where that smile still existed. The worst part was that only months before, I had. I didn't know if I'd had stopped at the side of the road for a crying stranger, but I went to school and I had my friends and I carried a smile like that on the daily.

I was ashamed of how aggressive I'd been, so before I closed the door, I turned back to the girl. She was looking at me with bright eyes, and I felt my stomach drop. I was just so scared and so upset and so lost - I hadn't meant to be so hurtful towards her simply because I was jealous of all she had.

"I'm- uh- sorry." Not waiting for her reply, I slammed the door shut, quickly jogging up the stairs. It was just Ivy and I now. Just like it would always be.

 **Hi! :)**

 **So, Elaina's been introduced! Tell me what you thought of her :D I'm really excited for this story, I'm not gonna lie, I have so many ideas for it that they're kinda overflowing haha.**

 **Guest review thanks!**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, it's a tad related to the Benedicts, but it won't really be mentioned throughout, dw :) Thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Centa, ahh, thanks! I hope you like how it turns out :)**

 **Ok, and before I go, I hould mentin that my updating schedule for everything is going to be a bit out of whack until I figure out how to balance it with comforting Aubrey (I _really_ shouldn't have taken on two stories at once, let's leave it at that xD ), but hopefully I'll figure out a good balance soon enough :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	3. Yellow Roses

Yellow roses

Olivia's POV:

The next time I saw Elaina, it was a dreary, meek day.

The sky was covered in masses of clouds, and every once in awhile a light rain started up, making a sea of umbrellas rise from the depths of people's pockets. I couldn't afford one, so I simply curled my shoulders in, pulling my coat tight around me to keep the bitter wind out.

And then, amongst the eternal gray of commuters coming and going, I saw _her_.

It was hard to miss her, like a beacon, shining brightly against the dark background. She looked like a painting, one where most of the canvas was streaked with abstract gray paint, making way to a golden girl in the middle. One with a bright yellow trench coat and a smile just as bright.

She was just as lovely as the first time I saw her, her hair half up and cute glasses framing her face. A flower crown adorned her curls, which I'd already noticed was probably her trademark. However, what astounded me the most, was the book in her hands, which she read intently. Without even looking up, she wove around the masses of people, never once lifting her eyes from the text.

The first time I met her I'd been too preoccupied with Ivy and the tiredness that can only be achieved after a week of sleepless nights - the kind of exhaustion that seeps into your bones and makes your whole being heavy. Yet this time I could admire her in her full glory, without there being any irritation in my system. And she was more beautiful than I could've ever imagined.

I still couldn't make friends though, so I made to scurry away, only to be stopped by her presence again. She was crossing the road over to me, weaving through cars without even looking, as though nothing could ever harm her. She was close, too close.

I knew there was no chance of her looking up to see me, but I was still afraid of her doing so, so I pretended I was being swallowed up by the colours around me. The gray in the sky and the pavement and people's suits creeping into my system so that someone as bright as her could never see me. I was simply an observer of the work of art that was Elaina - and people weren't allowed to touch masterpieces.

She saw me.

The world stopped as our gazes collided, making me stumble back.

She glanced up just as a gust of wind blew through her hair, making her look even more ethereal. It was so entrancing that, for a second, I didn't even notice that I'd been caught staring. Nor that she was staring right back.

After a moment, I looked down, embarrassment colouring my cheeks red. Yet this seemed to be a bad idea, as Elaina was far from able to leave things at a simple smile and wave. Which should've been the norm, considering we'd only met once, a couple weeks ago, and had never spoken since. As had become very apparent, she didn't follow the norms.

"Hi Olivia." Her voice pulled me from my thoughts, making me glance up. She was there, right there, with her delicate smile and cute… everything, as she neatly closed her book. "Where's little Ivy?"

"Oh, she's with one of the girls from the shelter, she volunteered to babysit while I job hunt." What I didn't tell her was that I was applying to McDonald's out of desperation, because none of the other places had been kind enough to give me a reply yet, and I'd once heard a rumour that they didn't reject anyone. That's what I needed - a place that would pay me, regardless of the conditions that would be in.

"Ooh, where are you applying?" Damn it, she always had a way of hitting the nail on the head. It was as if her eyes were able to see through everything, even whilst she wasn't looking directly at anything.

"Here and there, I'm just trying my luck really."

"Do you mind if I join you?" My first thought was to say no, because I really shouldn't be talking much with anyone. My main focus was Ivy, and there was no room for second place. But then I realised I didn't have a real excuse, and she was still watching me through her lashes in that intense way of hers, so all I could do was swallow hard and nod. She motioned for me to lead the way, so I did, hesitant steps taking me closer and closer to my dreaded destination.

"Weren't you going somewhere?" I asked her, after a few beats of silence. I was afraid to find that my sentence sounded hostile, so I shot her a tentative smile, which she returned.

"Yeah, but it wasn't too important. There's this park I like to read in, it has a lovely meadow full of flowers." She grinned again, earnestly, as though there was no reason in the world _not_ to. She was entrancing, the way she held the whole of her happiness on her sleeve. She reminded me of myself only a few months ago. That thought was sobering enough to pull me out of my stupor, as I riveted my gaze downwards as quick as possible. She put me in a daze with how beautiful she was, almost putting me under a spell, but bad situations always have a way of reminding you that they're there. Elaina and I lived on different planets.

"Oh, what book were you going to read?"

"To Kill a Mockingbird." She told me, showing me the cover. And so our conversation went, whilst I thanked every god up there that she hadn't brought up our conversation the other day, when I'd been so awful and unpleasant. She was so lovely, how had I been able to talk like that to someone so willing to offer me help? I supposed sleep deprivation warped my understanding of things.

"Oh, I read that one in English class, it was beautiful." At my words, her eyes brightened, as she nodded enthusiastically.

"It was the best topic ever, I almost danced around the room when the teacher told us we were doing it." To illustrate her words, she spun on the spot, a small giggle leaving her lips. I found myself enthralled by her once again, as I shook my head to try to get her out. No room for friends. No room. But her smile could light up the world.

Soon, too soon, we got to McDonald's, making me frown deeply. I'd almost forgotten where I was going, as Elaina kept the conversation light and funny. I wished I could keep talking to her forever.

"Oh, we're here." My voice quietened down, as I tried to hide my shame behind my bangs. It didn't work, her eyes seemed capable of traversing even lead. And my disguise was but a flimsy one - a meek attempt at keeping my already shattered heart away from anyone's clumsy fingers. "I should go in." I didn't move, fiddling with my hands, but afraid to look up.

"Yeah." She whispered back, copying my tone of voice. Both of us stood still, there in front of the McDonald's, until I finally shook my head at myself, taking a step towards the doors. I never once looked up, afraid I'd let her beautiful eyes affect me once again, luring me into her beautiful trap.

"Thank y-"

"Wait!" She cut me off, making me finally look up at her. Her eyes were frantic, and this was the first time in the whole conversation that she'd lost her composure. Somehow, it made her look more beautiful. "What are you going to do with Ivy if you get the job?" At her words, I finally broke from the trance she'd put me in, frowning at her.

"I dunno, I'll figure it out." I made to leave again, but she held onto the back of my shirt, sending heat flooding to my cheeks. Damn it, no one was allowed to have this effect on me.

"I- I- can babysit if you want." There was a pause as I froze. Somehow, I was feeling both absolute disdain for the girl behind me and adoration for her kindness. "For free." Her lasts words, however, sealed the deal. I twisted away from her, scrubbing my hand over my face defeatedly.

"I'm not a charity case, Elaina." She was just like everyone else, pitying the poor girl with the baby. Juliet had been the same, tiptoeing around me as though I were a fragile glass sculpture. I was done with people feeling bad for me - why couldn't they just go live their own stupid ass lives and leave me the hell alone to sort out mine? Hoping she couldn't see the tears clouding my vision, I walked away, leaving her far, far behind me.

I should've known.

 **Hi!**

 **I've fallen so far behind in updating basically everything, I'm so sorry. This week's just been really hectic, and so will next week, but after that it gets closer to the easter holidays so hopefully I'll get a bit of a break and can write tons of chapters for you guys :) I hope you liked this one as well :D**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Guest, I hope I'll do the name Ivy justice haha. Luckily Ivy won't be doing much for the first few chapters, as she's just a baby, so I've got time to figure her out "^_^ Thanks for your review!**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you!**

 **\+ Centa, yeah I somehow always make characters that just need a hug haha. Thank you for the names thing! I just dig through the categories of names I'd like to name my children but couldn't cos they're too extravagant xD (well apart from Aubrey, that's a pretty mild name)**

 **\+ Llamacorn, ah, yeah, I know the pain of having to go into London really early. We do tourist crap there every couple of months and it's terrible -.- So I'm glad the chapter made your day a bit better haha. And yeah, this story's making me want a baby, but alas, not for another 10 years xD**

 **That's all for today, thanks so much for reading and I'll see you all next week :) (hopefully) (if I don't turn out to be a mess of a human being again)**

 **Bye bye xx**


	4. Freesias

Freesias

Elaina's POV:

I watched her walk away from me, my heart clenching in my chest. I'd just wanted to help her, why did that equate to me thinking her a charity case? My book felt heavy in my hand, and I knew I should go to the park to resume what I'd been doing before meeting her, but I'd lost all my will to do anything that didn't involve her. So I turned around, going back the way we came, straight back home.

Since that moment, when I'd found her sitting on the side of the road, she'd been all I could think about. I could hear people's thoughts, but no one's mind spoke as loud as hers, practically burning her thoughts into my mind.

I could still hear her last feelings, and I wasn't sure I'd forget them for a very long time:

 _I was going to leave her far, far behind me. I should've known._

Who'd hurt her so bad? I'd suspected something had happened, considering she was a girl my age walking around Denver on her own with a baby, but I hadn't confirmed anything until this point. It was easy to ignore people's problems, especially with someone as closed off as Olivia. She put walls high, so high no one would ever be able to climb them, and she wrapped 'Do Not Cross' tape around them. She'd smile during small talk, alluding to your fantasy that she was fine, sweeping all of her issues under the carpet.

And it was tempting, to leave her to hide everything and follow along with her fantasies, but, at the same time, I couldn't help myself from peeking under the rug. All that had caused was for her to kick me out entirely, tears in her eyes and her hands clutched tightly to her chest, as though trying to protect herself from any further invasion. I'd only wanted to help her, the girl with the eyes of colour from another universe and stars for freckles.

Passing a hand over my eyes tiredly, I tried to banish her from my mind, but she was stuck there for good.

It was stupid, considering I'd only barely made her acquaintance, and half the time we'd spoken she'd been shouting at me, but I wanted to know more about her. She was bewitching, her mind loud with thunder and her eyes stormy with the hurt she held within.

Without realising, I bent down to pick up a small daffodil, twirling it in my fingers as I got closer and closer to my house. Now that it was fast approaching, I couldn't help but wish that I had gone back to the park. The door loomed darkly in front of me, as I swallowed hard, finally taking a step inside. I banished all thoughts of Olivia, knowing they were not allowed in a house such as this, full of barbed wire and hurt and sneers - this was no place for a rose.

"Elaina, where have you been?" Asked my mum, her voice drifting from the living room. I stuck a hard smile on my face before proceeding, letting the door close softly. The noise of it closing ominously behind me still set my teeth on edge, but I tried to ignore it.

"I went to read at the park." I told her once I got close enough for her to hear. Finding her was easy enough, she was where she usually was, sprawled out on the couch watching cartoons. Next to her, her phone lay, playing loud music at the same time.

"Sounds fun." Her smile was wobbly at best, but the both of us pretended not to notice. From the basement, raucous laughter was heard. The only response my mum gave was turning up the music, and directing her attention back to the TV. I let her be, climbing up the stairs quickly. Really, laughter was the best thing that could be heard from the basement, but it still held an air of wrongness about it, making the air steely and dread swirl everywhere it touched. I didn't know how mum could stand it.

As I passed my brother's room, I saw Tom sat at his desk, furiously sketching, loud rock music filling the air. He was probably working on his newest piece, the one he'd only let me catch glimpses of. So far all I'd seen was a night sky, and pastels filling the bottom of the page. It was bound to be beautiful, like everything he made.

"Tommy!" I shouted, trying to have him hear me over the music. Luckily, we all had good practice at listening out for small sounds, in case dad decided to make an appearance, so he was quick to hear me. Turning in his chair, he smiled at me, eyes bright as he turned the music down.

"What's up?" He had charcoal on his face, and his fingers were stained in different shades of monochrome, but I didn't mention it. I knew that once he got into the zone, nothing could pull him out of it.

"Could you put headphones in?" It would be fruitless to ask him to turn it down. We all appreciated noise too much in this house. He nodded, without thinking too much of it, leaving me standing in the doorway, once again ignored. When Tommy was asked to choose between art and us, he'd choose art. Every time.

Because art wouldn't hurt him, and art wouldn't call him names for liking to draw, and art let him flow through the pages of any reality he wanted. I couldn't blame him, I was still holding onto To Kill a Mockingbird as if it were my lifeline. With a deep sigh, I walked towards my own room, feeling like too many things had happened already for such an insignificant day.

My first stop in my room was my iPod, which was already set to blast classical music as loudly as my ears were able to handle. It wasn't quite as effective as Tom's rock, or mum's Tv and radio ensemble, but the second the notes started flowing through the speakers, my whole body relaxed. The music washed over me, taking with it all the pent up emotion from this past day. It was so beautiful that it called attention onto itself, not allowing my thoughts to drift to Olivia or the basement or anything else. It filled every space, filling cavities and dark holes, until no darkness remained, only the soft piano and violins that sung about tales I couldn't even fathom.

Once I settled down on my bed, I began my favourite game, the one where I wrote and wrote until my mind felt numb and my fingers ached and I was so invested in my story that I couldn't remember why the real world even existed.

It was easy to do this, because I always worked on two stories at once, meaning I constantly had something to work on. One, to show my parents, and the other just for me. My parents' story was full of intricate metaphors of the religious nature, and a fight or two thrown in for my dad's benefit. He was always complaining that my stories were for sissies and much too boring for 'real' men like him. I always replied curtly, telling him I wouldn't be writing about his gang any time soon. And as much discussion as that story provoked, it was nothing compared to what my other story would.

My other stories were just for me. They didn't have to be beautifully written, or carefully crafted. They could have characters with flaws, and I didn't have to be able to psychoanalyse them afterwards with my parents. But, perhaps worst of all, they had girls. Girls liking girls, and girls thinking about other girl's skin, and girls fantasizing about long, beautiful hair. Girls who could do whatever they wanted, without having anyone look at them disapprovingly.

And damn if it wasn't my guilty pleasure. So far my lack of boyfriends hadn't clued my parents in on anything, which at least I was thankful for. But it was hard to pretend. Not letting myself think anymore, I opened a word document, deciding today was a oneshot day.

 _Layla sat on the grass, eyes downturned and sad. She shouldn't have done that, she knew from the moment Claire had looked frantically at her, her feet scrambling underneath her to get her as far away from Layla as possible. It had hurt, driving a spear through her chest, but what else was she supposed to expect?_

 _Instead of thinking about the disastrous moment in which her whole life had turned itself inside out, she focused her attention on the flowers around her, marvelling at the way they looked against the sea of endless grass. Above her, the sky was clear, a few clouds painted onto the otherwise empty expanse. Everything was beautiful, everything apart from her._

 _She loved flowers, loved the way they blew in the wind and the way the stood strong against anything. She liked their pretty colours and their delicate petals, and she liked how soft they felt under her fingertips, like the softest of velvet and silk, melting under her gaze. But Layla didn't deserve flowers, no, she didn't deserve happiness either, because sometimes, just sometimes, she couldn't help herself from looking at girls the way she looked at flowers._

 _She watched them quiver in the wind, and the way they stood strong. She watched their pretty eyes of every pretty colour, and she couldn't help but wonder if their skin would feel velvety soft against hers. Everything was bad, so bad, but she couldn't help it._

 _It had all gone wrong when she'd met Claire, the girl who held the whole world in her hands. She had delicate hands that could play any melody on any instrument, and a small gap between her front teeth that peeked out at Layla in the rare moments when she smiled. Worst of all were her eyes, which had a certain hue that not even the greatest artist would be able to get right. She held stars in her eyes, and Layla couldn't help but think that she'd combust if she ever looked at her too strongly. An expanse of freckles mapped her cheeks, which brightened and glew whenever Layla accidentally let it slip just how fascinated she was with the girl._

 _Layla simply couldn't help it, she'd been the prettiest flower in the whole garden, and all she'd wanted was to watch her twirl in the wind for hours. But she couldn't, shouldn't, because girls weren't flowers. And it was wrong, she knew, so why couldn't she stop? Why couldn't she see boys in the same way? It came easily for everyone else, to see boys with their lanky frames or muscular build and swoon over them. But all Layla wanted were soft curves under flowy fabric and long, curling hair that seemed to never end._

I stopped once I realised I was crying, and switched over to my other story, knowing dad would want to see evidence of what I'd done during my evening. I could always claim I'd been reading, but his eyes were too sharp to fall for that, his soul full of thorns. I began typing, unable to keep myself from thinking about the two people I'd just made up, and how their story had hit a bit too close to home. Claire's resemblance to Olivia was no coincidence, I knew, but for the time being that would have to be buried along with every other pondering of mine.

All of these thoughts had to be contained within the hour I let myself indulge in the beauty of it, but it had to stop once I closed the document. They couldn't follow me out, that was the only rule I'd given myself, when my feelings had finally gotten too strong to keep repressing and ignoring.

It had happened gradually, without me even realising. My gazes turned longer than they should've, my eyes lingering a second too long on pretty girls in pretty dresses. Soon enough, all the feelings and all of the guilt was bubbling in me, threatening to explode and take me as its only casualty.

This was the only thing I could do for now, the only remedy to the terrible darkness inside me, because it felt so _right_. Everything about loving girls felt like a part of me, something which, if to be cut out, would leave a hole deep down inside me. When I found myself thinking about a particularly cute girl in my class, I smiled, before forcing myself to frown. And something that felt so intrinsic to me, that sprung from the love in my heart, that surely couldn't be wrong, right? But my dad thought it was. So I set up boundaries, lines I simply must not pass, to protect myself, knowing my heart was in too much of a state to help itself.

Still, despite knowing the rules, Olivia's eyes burnt through everything, making my writing loop in circles around itself, oftentimes becoming nonsensical and making me repeat a paragraph several times.

Burying my face in my hands and closing my eyes tightly, I pretended nothing existed.

 **Hi :)**

 **Ok, I'm starting to get *really* excited about this story, ngl. I have so many plans and ideas and tbh I don't even know if I'm going to be able to fit them all in one story haha. So I hope you guys like this chapter! Also, I know I promised a more regular updating schedule once Easter hits, but... Ok basically I'm looking at entry requirements for Oxbridge and let me fucking tell you, it's awful. It's really really awful. So I've got a lot on my mind, and I'm really sorry if things get out of wack because of it. I promise I'll try to keep it more or less frequent! I mean this chapter at least is on time right? xD**

 **Guest review thank you time!**

 **\+ Llamacorn, I know what you mean, my sister's got her life sorted out and here I am freaking out over everything xD I guess it's just something we have to figure out on the go, y'know? I'm glad you like it! Thanks so much for your review xx**

 **\+ Mystery, thank you!**

 **Ok, that's all the guests today, have a lovely week and see you then :)**

 **Bye bye xx**


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